I Never Used to Cry

I wrote this when I was really sad one day.

I’m currently not feeling like this, but I like how it turned out so here it is!

I never used to cry

Tears were for the weak

And I was strong

yes

This brick wall I’ve built has become increasingly more unstable

The cracks becoming more visible to the naked eye

The foundation in the beginning stages of crumbling

yes

Tears sting my eyes more often than I’d admit

My wails are silent and unseen

Yet unescapable for me

break

The smile I paint on everyday isn’t turning out as well as it used to

People are questioning it’s authenticity

and I’m too exhausted to lie

Giving vague explanations, leaving something more to be desired

break

I deflect any questions you have

Giving the answers I know you want to hear

It flows from my lips with false confidence

And you buy it

break

Living in a sea of clear eyes and smiling faces

I feel as if I do not belong

My smile isn’t as bright as hers

and my eyes try to tell the truth, resisting every effort I make to fit in

break

I’ve taught myself how to sob without sound

My heart wretched as I lay in the shower

Confusing tears with the shower stream

break

I turn off the water and stare at the ceiling

Looking for answers that are never there

Too tired to move

Hoping if I close my eyes it’ll all go away

break

But I can’t escape it even in my dreams

or nightmares rather

The sadness infiltrates every aspect of my life

My eyes ready to release the truth

Ready to tell everyone how broken I feel

How broken I am

break

I never used to cry

But I wasn’t strong

I just created a charade I can no longer keep up

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A Day Without A Woman

Today thousands of women across the U.S. are participating in ” A Day Without a Woman” led by the Women’s March Movement as a part of International Women’s Day.

They are asking participants to…

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Of course not everyone is going to be able to take a day off of work. Many of us cherish our sick days/ vacation days and can’t randomly take time off. Wearing red in solidarity, showing support through social media, and having conversations with friends and family is great way to contribute to the cause.

While I don’t have a job to take a day off from and I don’t make many purchases ( I’m a cheapskate) I will be wearing red and talking about women’s rights! Other great ways to celebrate international women’s day are donating to organizations that support women’s/reproductive rights and supporting female artists.

International Women’s Day is a day to celebrate ALL women. Queer women, trans women, women of color, disabled and chronically ill women, religious women, immigrant women, women in poverty, all women. Don’t leave any women out of your celebration or activism!

How are you celebrating International Women’s Day or A Day Without a Woman?

Lots of Love,

Alyssa

 

 

What Issues are LGBTQ+ Issues?

If you would have asked me this question a year ago I would have answered,

“Trans rights, LGBTQ+ friendly healthcare, marriage equality, anti-discrimintion laws, ect.”

All those things still stand true, but the Queer community also hits so many intersections that make many more issues “LGBTQ Issues.” All queer people aren’t white, middle class, abled, male, and cis… obviously right? This means the issues that affect ethnic minorities, women, the disabled and chronically ill, religions, those in poverty and the homeless, immigration, and many more are also LGBT issues.

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The LGBT community is made up of people from different backgrounds and we should support the issues that affect everyone in our community. If someone is queer and an issue affects them and other queer people, then it’s a queer issue. You can’t say you’re an ally or fight for queer rights if you don’t fight for all queer peoples rights.

When I strongly support a cause that “doesn’t seem to affect me” in other peoples eyes I remember this is something not a lot of people get. On top of my love for my fellow human beings and wanting nothing but peace and happiness for the world, I can recognize that almost all issues affect the LGBT community. I will not sit by idly while my community is harmed, directly or indirectly.

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With all the ugliness that is going on today, it’s hard to stay up to date on everything and know how to respond. I find myself feeling overwhelmed and not knowing how I can help. All I know is doing nothing is not an option. I will continue to do everything in my power that my health allows me to do to fight for my community and others who’s voice isn’t as loud as mine.

Lots of Love,

Alyssa

 

 

People Don’t Have to Like You

Like most people I used to care a lot about  what others think about me.

Now not so much.

I want people close to me to like what I’m doing and the choices I make, but at the end of the day only my opinion and God’s opinion of me really matters in my eyes. Being liked is nice, but not everyone is gonna like you. There are quite a few people I don’t care for or don’t want to be around, and it’s okay for someone else not to like me.

Around those I’m not really close to I can be withdrawn and quiet. I’m an introvert, but I’m often loud and animated around people I know well. When I do let my opinionated and sarcastic attitude through some people don’t like it, and that’s okay. There are people who don’t understand sarcasm and think those whose it are just being rude, and others simply don’t like it. People  have permission to not like you, it doesn’t make them a bad person, or mean, their personality just doesn’t mesh well with yours and thats okay.

On the other hand, you don’t have to like everyone you meet. It’s okay to meet someone once and know you won’t be best fiends. Every once in a while you’ll meet someone you don’t care for at first and end of being friends later, but it doesn’t happen very often. I usually know if I’m going to really get along with someone within five minutes of meeting them. I try to continue to give people a chance, but I can be picky when it comes to friends. I get annoyed easily and can be pessimistic. I like to think I just know what I want and don’t want in a friend. I’ve had too many friendships that I was giving more than I was getting or I cared about the person much more than they cared about me, and I don’t want to do that again.

Now when I can tell someone isn’t into being around me, I don’t sweat it. That’s their opinion and I think they’re just missing out. If someone doesn’t like me, I probably wouldn’t like them either. There’s 7.5 billion people on this planet if one doesn’t like you, you’re gonna be okay.

Lots of Love,

Alyssa

Putting Ourselves in Boxes

The LGBTQ+ community does something I’ve never been able to understand.

We put ourselves in boxes.

Lesbians are categorized into femmes, butch, chapstick, lipstick, soft butch, stone butch, stem, and the list keeps going. Gay guys are also categorized, but by body type, and amount body hair, which is even more confusing to me. From bears and otters to jocks and “clean cut,” to probably a hundred other terms I’ve never heard of. If society is so set on putting us into boxes, then why are we doing it to ourselves?

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“What does she look like?”  Oh you know she’s like a 5.7599 on the butch scale
I don’t think there’s any harm in identifying as a femme or a butch girl, but why does it matter? Gender presentation, is just that, a presentation. You aren’t getting any more information from one of these labels then you can from justing looking at the person. Being a “femme” doesn’t mean you have a certain personality or act a certain way. All it tells someone is that you dress more femininely. So why do we use these words to describe ourselves?

Queer guys classifications confuse me even more. How does someones weight or amount of hair effect their personality? It doesn’t. If we aren’t getting much information from these labels, then why do we use them? Being a “baby gay” and getting thrown into a world of slang and labels can be very confusing. I felt like I need to identify with one of these terms, but I didn’t feel comfortable labeling myself with any of them, and that’s okay. If you feel caught up in the world of labels, just know you don’t have to pick one or even fit into a certain label.

Each of these terms carries stereotypes about the persons character traits, and their general demeanor. The Queer community deals with enough stereotypes from the rest of society, so I just don’t get why we would do it to ourselves. I personally don’t want to have to fight societies ideas of what lesbian is or looks like, along with other queer girls ideas of how I should look or act based of being a more feminine presenting lesbian.

I find these terms unnecessary, and don’t really see their use, but if someone else wants to use them, it doesn’t offend me.  Do you use these terms to describe yourself or your friends? Let me know if you do like these terms, and why they are important to you. I’m open to all sides, and would love to hear your view!

Lots of Love,

Alyssa