Sometimes friends and family members will see me and say, “wow you must be feeling better!” What they don’t realize is that some days I’m not doing any better than I was six years ago, I’ve just adapted. In the beginning it was so incredibly tough to even get out of bed. I was a child, and had never truly had to persevere before. At the time, I was trying my absolute hardest to function, but it was all new to me. Now I’ve adapted. I go to school and church with extreme pain and fatigue. I do homework as I run back and forth to the bathroom or grimace in pain. When I’m in a state that I’m able to force myself to function, I seem very “normal.”
This semester I’ve made it to class more than I ever have in the past six years. As of now, I’ve only missed four class periods total, and three of those periods were for doctor’s appointments. Part of this is because I felt decent at the beginning of the year, and so it was fairly easy to make it to class. Now I’m struggling more, but I’m still forcing myself to go to school. Just because I’m able to function, doesn’t mean it isn’t hard. Yes, some days it is easy, and I feel incredibly lucky to have easy days since so many people do not get them. I used to not get easy days, and it was so incredibly hard. However, some days I’m trying not to pass out in the middle of math class, or holding down vomit in history lecture. My body is still very broken.
I’ve also taught myself how to “pass as abled.” I can put on the makeup and clothes, do my hair, and paint a pleasant expression on my face. Most people aren’t very observant and buy it. By now I should have an Oscar for my performance! However, if you look really close you can see the exhaustion in my eyes and hear the slight pain in my voice slipping through. One thing chronic illness has taught me is to be observant. Things are often not as they seem, and if you really pay attention to people, you can pick up on so much. I’ve learned how to appear fine, but other people have not learned how to see through it.
In many ways, I’m so glad I’ve adapted! I’m able to handle everything chronic illness has thrown at me, and I have strength to continue to fight it. I’ve learned how to be more functional, and now I’m able to continue my education. Sure, I don’t do anything else but go to school, do homework, and recover from it all, but I enjoy succeeding in something. It does make me sad sometimes that this has become my normal. Pretending to be fine, when your body doesn’t work right is exhausting, and can be incredibly lonely. At times, I’ve felt angry that I even had to adapt, that I had to accept this life as “okay.” Chronic Illness is a constant cycle of grief and acceptance, and adaptation is a huge part of that.