Femme Struggles

Being a femme lesbian has it’s perks… and it’s down falls.

  1. People often tell you that you “don’t look gay”
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Me when people say “but you don’t look gay”

AKA people don’t realize you’re gay, bi, pan, queer, etc! This makes it especially hard when you’re trying to connect with other LGBTQIA+ people. When you are femme, most people will assume you’re straight, and sometimes try to invalidate your identity because of the way you look. Plus, what does “looking gay” even mean?

2. Other queer women don’t realize you’re queer too

micheal scott

If you’re more introverted like me then this is a problem. I’m probably not going to make the first move, but if the other girl doesn’t realize I’m gay then she won’t either. Since society generally accepts straight women being super friendly to one another, and sees things like frequent compliments as normal (as oppose to friendships between two men), it can be hard for queer women to realize when another girl is flirting with them versus just being nice.

3. Every time you “come out” people are shocked

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This may not be the case for every femme lesbian, but it certainly is for me. I always get the, “No way! Reeeaally???” response from everyone I tell. When you don’t fit the stereotype, it doesn’t even cross peoples minds that you would be anything other than straight.

4. You have to come out all the time

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Because people never assume you’re queer, you have to tell them for them to know. Yes, generally assuming other peoples sexualities isn’t good, but it would be nice if just one time someone actually figured out I was gay without me having to explicitly say the words “I’m Gay.”

 

These are all things I’ve noticed from my experience, but other queer women may have different experiences.  If you are a femme LGBTQIA+ woman, do any of these things happen to you? What’s the most annoying thing you deal with because you’re femme?

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Life Update: Withdrawing from College

This semester has been incredibly rough for me.

Some of it I have shared with you, like documenting my journey at the Mayo Clinic, but there’s been a lot going on that I haven’t talked about yet. My health has been very poor since around the last few weeks of Fall Semester, and has been continuously getting worse. This was one of the major reasons I chose to go to Mayo in the middle of Spring semester. Unfortunately I missed a lot of class before my trip, and then a whole week for the trip (my first trip was during spring-break so I didn’t miss any class for that). While I was successful in obtaining multiple diagnoses, the treatment options are very limited.

As of right now, they are mainly focusing on the lifestyle changes; things like exercise, following the gastroparesis diet, and eating tons of salt. These things may or may not work, and if they do work it’s going to be months before I see any improvement. Since returning from my trip, I’ve only become more symptomatic and much less functional. I’m honestly not sure what to do right now, since I know if I contact the Mayo doctors they will probably tell me to just keep trying to do these things since it hasn’t been long enough to see results, but at the same time my body is incredibly weak and doing simple life tasks can be very difficult.

Missing this much school has seriously affected my grades. Some of my professors have been great, and others have been awful. I have disability services, but they aren’t very helpful and professors have found loop holes that essentially disregard any accommodations I’m supposed to have. It’s crazy how little legal protection disabled people have, but that’s a whole nother can of worms. I made the decision to withdraw from college, since my Spring semester grades were going to tank my GPA. I really wanted to only withdraw from the two classes I was doing poorly in, and stay in the two classes that I had nearly perfect grades in, but that isn’t an option at my college.

This also means I will not be able to transfer to a University in the Fall. I won’t have nearly enough hours after I lose these 14. Now, I’m going to have to do at least one more semester at community college, maybe two. I’m trying my best to remind myself that I’m only 18, so I’m actually ahead of my peers by at least one college semester, but withdrawing makes me feel so behind. There’s a lot of emotions to process, and I’m doing my best not to fall into a pit of despair, but it’s been really tough. I think hope and positivity are important when it comes to living as a chronically ill person, but I also think it’s okay to recognize that some situations just suck.

I’m planing to return to college in Fall, or even take a Summer class if I’m able to get my health under control enough. As difficult as this decision is, I know it is the right one. This is not the first time I’ve had to withdraw from school, as many of you know, I started this blog right after I withdrew from high school in November of 2016. It’s crazy to think that almost 18 months later I’m having to do the exact same thing. I’ve got to say it doesn’t hurt any less the second time around, but I know from the first time that it will get better.

Chronic Migraines in Children

My journey with chronic migraines began when I was fourteen. They were brutal for about three years, but around a year ago I started to get significantly less migraines. Being a child with chronic migraines was really difficult, mainly due to the ignorance of adults. Migraines are often seen as something that only affects adults, and many people do not understand the severe impact they can cause on someone’s life.

The Diamond Headache Clinic asked me to share information about childhood migraines, and I was happy to oblige since there is not nearly enough awareness about them. I highly recommend viewing their presentation, because it is full of lots of great information about chronic migraines and abdominal migraines in children!

Here are some of the statistics I found interesting:

  1. The average onset for migraines is 7 years old for boys, and 10 years old for girls
  2. After the age of twelve, around 80% of people who suffer from migraines are women
  3. Migraines affect up to 5% of school aged children

 

Treatments for chronic migraines typically include preventative medications, triptans, and sometimes NSAIDS. In my case, these things did not work for me due to a plethora of underlying medical conditions. It’s always important to make sure you don’t have any other medical problems that could be causing the migraines.

Do you have migraines? What’s your journey for treatment been like?

March for Our Lives 2018

*Reposted because it accidentally got removed*

On March 24th, I had the privilege in participating in the March for Our Lives. I was originally planning to march here in Texas, where I live, but since I ended up being at the Mayo Clinic on the 24th, I Marched in Rochester, MN.

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“Our Youth are Our hope”

The high schoolers who put on the March did an incredible job! They gave fiery passionate speeches, and were able to organize around 2,000 people to march with them. For a town the size of Rochester, it was pretty amazing. This was my first ever march, and I’m glad I started with one on the relatively small side. Luckily, the March itself was very short, so it wasn’t too much walking.

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” I thought you were pro-life”

I hope we see real political change come from these marches. Even though I have no connection to Emma Gonzales, I feel so proud of her (as weird as that may sound). She is so unapologetically herself, and has stood strong even with all of the hate from republican politicians, while grieving her friends and processing an incredibly traumatic event.

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“ENOUGH”

My one criticism of the conversation to come out of the march, is the lack of conversation around police brutality and gun violence. You cannot ignore police brutality when talking about gun violence, as they are a major perpetrator of gun violence. Black peoples voices have not been highlighted, when they have been advocating for gun control for so long without any one listening. I get them centering the voices of kids affected by school gun violence, particularly mass shootings, as this was the main reason for the march, but gun violence goes so much deeper than that. It would have been nearly impossible to include all of these conversations in one march, and I think it was smart of them to focus the march particularly on mass school shootings, but I do think there should be more discussion about different types of gun violence.

I really enjoyed being able to March… but my body did not. The actual march was only like 0.3 miles, but my body went crazy afterward. I was so incredibly fatigued and exhausted that I could barely move for six hours, and it took me two days to get significant relief. Sometimes with chronic illness you have to chose when it’s worth it to “overdo it.” I knew I wouldn’t do well after this, but it was so important to me. I may have felt like hell afterwards, but the experience of being there and standing up for what I believe in made it completely worth it.

 

Trans Day of Visibility 2018

Today, March 31st, is Trans Day of Visibility!

This years theme, hosted by Trans Student Educational Resources or TSER, is “surviving, thriving.” Aiming to acknowledge all of the wonderful accomplishments made by trans people in the past twelve months.

We are not only surviving the Trump regime but we are making strides to transform how people think about gender around the world. In the increasingly transphobic global political climate, we must use our newfound visibility to mobilize trans people against oppression. Speaking out, taking direct action, and educating others is critical to our safety and wellbeing. This recognizes that while visibility is important, we must take action against transphobia. (TSER)

Since I am not trans, I want to highlight some amazing trans people whose content I follow!

Youtubers:

Ash Hardell: Ash is a non-binary, pansexual youtuber who creates educational LGBTQIA+ content. They also wrote a book called the ABC’s of LGBT, and are a fierce ally for the whole LGBTQIA+ community.

Jackson Bird: Jackson is a bisexual, trans man, who creates youtube videos covering a wide variety of topics, including books and being LGBTQIA+. He also has a very successful series called “Will it Waffle?” where he puts different foods on a waffle iron to see what happens, and his reactions are always priceless.

Stef Sanjati: Stef is a trans woman who makes videos about style and beauty, as well as documenting her journey transitioning. She has also recently become vocal about her eating disorder, and is an advocate for those with mental illnesses.

Podcasts:

You’re so Brave: You’re so Brave is hosted by Chase Ross and Aaron Ansuini, both of which are tans men. Their podcast talks about tans issues and the trans experience in general. Chase also identifies as pansexual and Aaron identifies as asexual.

How to Not: How to Not is a podcast where Kaitlyn Alexander and Rob Moden read Wikihow articles and discuss the nonsense that comes along with them. Kaitlyn identifies as non-binary and queer. This is one of my favorite podcasts, because it always makes me laugh and puts me in a good mood. Kaitlyn also makes youtube videos, including a web-series that they wrote and starred in, and they starred in the web-series Carmilla.

WordPress Bloggers:

Color it Queer: I had the honor of having Jess from Color it queer guest post on my blog a couple of weeks ago. She is both queer and disabled like myself, and blogs about a plethora of things including being LGBTQIA+, disability, and activism.

Almost, Almost: I really love the blog Almost, Almost! They are non-binary and post about LGBTQIA+ representation in books. They are the reason I read Dress Codes for Small Towns, which is now one of my favorite books, and they always inspire me to read more Queer YA fiction.

I hope you all check out some of these amazing trans people! Leave some of your favorite trans content creators below, so we can all support even more talented trans folks!

tdov 2018

Mayo Trip 2: Day 3

Day three at Mayo, I started off by seeing another cardiologist. I wasn’t given a reason for why I was seeing him, and he wasn’t so sure either. Essentially it was unnecessary, and all he said was to stop taking digoxin and gave me a tapering schedule. He asked me if medications have helped my symptoms or if I mainly just push through, I responded by telling him medications have never worked very well for me, so I mainly push through the symptoms as best I can. After praising me for coming to that realization, he gave me a fifteen minute lecture about how so many people are way more disabled than I am, and so I should just push through and not “let my illness define me.” Then he tried to use Stephen Hawking as inspiration porn, which made my blood boil, but I did my best to keep a pleasant face and my mouth shut. I am very happy there is no need to see him again.

I got my results back from the norepinephrine testing and it was normal, so no hyper-POTS for me. They also did a urinalysis to get a base line of my sodium levels, and the autonomic neurologist told me I drink too much water. It’s kind of ironic that I’ve been lectured about drinking lots of water over the years and now I’m being told to decrease my water intake by .5-1 liter. I did drink more than normal that day, because I wanted to make sure the results didn’t make me look dehydrated, and it seems like maybe I went too far. What can I say, I’m an over achiever! 🙂

I saw the fibromyalgia clinic and they were super nice. To be honest I’m a little confused whether I have fibro or not. Apparently I meet all of the 1990 criteria, but it’s questionable if I meet the 2010 criteria. However, she believes when I’m in more of a flare as far as the joint and muscle pain goes that definitely do meet the criteria. Plus I meet the criteria for chronic fatigue syndrome. In her report she wrote “probable fibromyalgia” but the way her nurses report was written it sounded like I had it for sure. Basically I’m supposed to follow suggestions they make for fibro patients, but it’s unclear whether or not she gave me an official diagnosis. I think she did, but it was confusing.

I was supposed to go to a class on fibro today, but it lasted for 8 hours and I’m honestly just so ready to get out of here. I feel like after hearing her recommendations and hearing the autonomic neurologists recommendations that I know what I need to do, and the class may not be all that helpful. Mentally this has been very taxing and at this point in time I think I just need to go home, rest, and assimilate back into daily life. We’re leaving this afternoon, and have no more appointments. I have a lot to process, but I feel very privileged to have been able to go to Mayo and overall I had a very positive experience here. Cross your fingers I don’t have to see the inside of the Rochester airport for quite a while!!

Mayo Trip 2: Days 1-2

I’m already back at Mayo and a few days into my trip! I flew into Rochester on March 22nd, and had appointments on the 23rd. The flight went smoothly, but walking through the airport takes so much out of me. On Friday I had two appointments, one with a gynecologist to have a consult for the possibility of endometriosis ,and one with an autonomic neurologist to talk about / confirm my POTS diagnosis.

The gynecologist visit went fine, but was super inconclusive. He didn’t think I have endometriosis but had no explanation for my super irregular periods. The only way to truly know if you have endometriosis is to have a laparoscopy, but he kind of beat around the bush when I asked if that was something I needed to do. At this point I’m probably just going to continue tracking my periods, and if it’s still an issue later on go see another gynecologist for a second opinion, but endometriosis isn’t a huge concern of mine right now.

I absolutely loved the autonomic neurologist! He confirmed my POTS diagnosis, by evaluating my autonomic testing results, and doing a very thorough neuro exam. He thinks I have hyperadrenergic POTS, and had me do a weird blood test to test my norepinephrine levels. First they place an IV, which took them over 30 minutes and 3 sticks before they got it, because my veins sucks. Then you have to lay completely still in a quiet, dim room for half an hour, in order to simulate what your norepinephrine levels are like while you are sleeping. After that, a nurse comes into the room very quietly, and you cannot speak to them or move while they draw the blood. When they’re done, you have to walk around for 10 minutes (or at least sit up in a chair if you can’t walk) to raise the norepinephrine levels, and finally they draw your blood again. I’ll get the results back from that by the end of this week.

The neurologist went over all of the “lifestyle changes” that are supposed to help with POTS, like eating tons of salt, drinking a lot of water, exercising and wearing compression garments to keep your blood from pooling. I thought it was interesting that he recommended wearing compression style shorts and a shirt under your clothes, because I’ve seen a lot of people with POTS use thigh-high compression stockings. According to him, the blood pools in your thighs and abdomen mostly, so those stockings won’t be as much help, unless you get the ones that go all the way up above your belly button. I really hope making these changes will be helpful, but I know they don’t work for a lot of people, or at least aren’t enough to make them functional.

He talked about putting me back on corlanor if after I try these non-pharmaceutical things, and they aren’t enough. He believes that it might work better for me, when I have a higher sodium level in my body. I hope all of this helps, because I have not been doing well at all. The gastroparesis has caused me to be widely nauseous and not able to eat very much, and the POTS has made me so incredibly tired and light-headed. Add traveling to the mix, and you get one very exhausted spoonie. The neurologist thinks I have mast cell activation syndrome as well, but since I have so much other stuff going on right now, we’re going to hold off on doing more testing for that. Given the dysautonomia and my symptoms I most likely have it, and the reactions have become more frequent. The past five days alone I’ve had a reaction to a new t-shirt, makeup that I’ve worn for over a year now, marijuana smoke (thanks a lot to the assholes smoking in our hotel), and one every single time I’ve taken a shower. Needless to say, Benadryl is my best friend.

I also saw a nutritionist, but she wasn’t very helpful so there’s not much to say about that. I still have a consult with a different cardiologist this week, as well as an appointment with the fibromyalgia clinic to see if I have fibro. I really want to go home, but I’m grateful to be here and I know I need to be here. This post was kind of long, so thanks for sticking around for the end. I hope you all are doing well!