Living in the Moment

Living in the moment is something I often have trouble with.

Life these past five years has not gone as I planned by any means. I feel like I’m always looking to the future when “I feel better” or “feel happier” thinking life will better then. Instead of trying to enjoy this chapter in my life, I’m always looking ahead.

I started college this summer at my local community college, and it’s been hard to enjoy it. I can’t help but think about how I “should have” graduated high school and “should have” gone to a four year university right away. Those things just aren’t going to happen for me, and I know I need to get over it. I’m guilty of judging people who’ve gone to community college in the past. Always assuming they screwed around in high school and so they couldn’t go anywhere else. Now looking back I realize how prejudiced and rude that was, but I still push those stereotypes on myself.

I’m grateful that my health is in a place that let’s me be able to start college full time in the fall. I should enjoy this time I have feeling well, since I never know when I’ll flare again. Honestly I’m afraid of my next flare. As the fall school year becomes closer and closer, I’m scared I’ll flare right when classes start. I really want to go to school full time this year, and I want to be successful. Instead of enjoying feeling well, I’m often worried and thinking about all of that what-ifs.

Sometimes I just need to take a deep breath and remind myself of all the wonderful things in my life. Sure, there’s gapping holes that I’ve desperately wanted to fill for years, but I have so many amazing things in my life going on too. Even in these times when I’m feeling better I can’t help but feel the exhaustion of my past. I’m only seventeen, but living seventeen more years sounds horrendous. My life is supposed to be “just beginning,” but it already feels so long.

I want to live in the moment.  I want to enjoy the now.

It’s just a lot harder than I expected it to be.

 

Mexico Exhibit at the Dallas Art Museum

Yesterday I went to the Dallas Art Museum specifically to see the Mexico Exhibit.

For the summer class I’m taking I also had to visit an art museum, so this trip killed two birds with one stone. I really wanted to see the Mexico exhibit because they had some Frida Kahlo Paintings on display and I love her work. They also had quite a few of her husband, Diego Rivera’s pieces.

The whole exhibit was amazing. They showcased so many talented Mexican artists! The only thing about the visit that wasn’t great was the wait. We waited an hour to see the first half of the exhibit and twenty minutes to see the second half. I’m not an impatient person, so I was willing to wait, and happy to see that hundreds of people showed up to see the exhibit. My chronic pain however is very impatient. By the time we got to see the second half (which was where Frida’s work was) I was in so much pain it was hard to enjoy to the fullest extent. After finding her work I kind of rushed through the rest of it because my feet were hurting so bad. Seeing her work in person was definitely worth the wait and the pain though.

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The Two Fridas By: Frida Kahlo

They had three of her pieces, all self portraits. So many people dressed up as Frida and overall most people were there to see her work. The majority of the people there to see the exhibit were hispanic, which I thought was really cool. Art can often be white-washed and male dominated so it was nice to see such a crowd for Frida.

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By: Diego Rivera

I really like the way her dress looks translucent in Rivera’s painting. This was a painting of one of Rivera’s previous wives, before Kahlo.

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by: Ramon Cano Manilla

The detail in this painting astounds me. All of the vegetation has incredible texture and the dress is so ornate. It must have taken months or even years to paint.

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Alice Rahon

In addition to paintings they had a few sculptures. I found this one particularly fascinating. It’s a metal puppet entitled “The Androgyne.”

I hope I get to see more of Frida’s work in the future and would love to see this whole exhibit again.

Who’s your favorite artist?

First Day of College

Yesterday was my first day of my first  college class.

Even though I’ve taken all the steps to get here, it doesn’t feel real at all. I’m seventeen and going to college, and it feels weird.

Not a whole lot is going to change. It’s community college, so the work shouldn’t be that difficult, and I’m still living at home. I left high school back in November of 2016, so its been a while since I’ve been to school. The only fear I really have is getting really sick again and having to leave, other than that I’m not too nervous. It’s been five and half years since I’ve been able to go to school full time. That means I was twelve last time I went to school consistently, so it’s been quite a long time.

 

The first day of class went pretty smoothly. I’m taking Art appreciation, since I need an art credit. We aren’t using a textbook and we won’t have a final exam, which was pretty surprising to me. I had to go to Micheal’s after class though and get a bunch of painting supplies because, as a surprise to me, we’re painting. I thought we would be appreciating art, not creating it. I have lots of good artistic ideas (well, good ideas to me at least) but actually executing them well isn’t my thing. I’m sure he won’t grade too hard on how it looks since this is a beginners class though.

Today I have a meeting to finalize setting up disability services with my college. I’m pretty proud of myself for doing everything I needed to do to set this up, and applying for college in general all by myself. The only thing my parents did is fax papers to the college from their  work, since we don’t have a fax machine at home. This will be the first time I’l have to advocate for my health all by myself, which gives me some anxiety. I usually do most of the talking, but my mom’s usually there to fill in the areas I’ve forgotten. Gotta love brain fog!

Things feel like they’re going in a good direction for once. I just hope it stays that way.

What’s new with you? Do you have any Summer plans?

Lots of Love,

Alyssa

Thank You For 200 Followers!

Recently I hit 200 followers and June was my six-month blogging anniversary.

Thank you to everyone reading this and those who continuously follow my blog! When I started this blog, I honestly thought I would post for a few weeks, get bored, and never blog again. Six months in and over 100 posts later, I was definitely wrong.

Reading everyone’s comments always brightens my day, and I love starting conversations, especially about controversial issues. I’ve been able to meet some really cool people online through this blog, and have been exposed to a lot of really amazing writers.

While we never know where life is going to take us, I hope to still in blogging in six more months. Thank you again for reading Queerly Texan and making me feel a little less alone in this world.

Lots of Love,

Alyssa

What’s Next for my Health?

This is the question always in my mind:

What’s next for my health?

Lately I’ve been doing really well. For the last three months I’ve felt better than I have in at least a year. This is great news, and something to celebrate, but my health has a specific pattern it likes to follow. Summer/early fall I do well, sometimes I’m doing great within this time, other times I’m doing just okay, but I’m able to function much more than when it’s bad. Early/Mid Fall things decline and by the time winter arrives things are really really bad.

I’m scared of the months to come. I’ve signed up for college classes, and I desperately want to do well in them and not be absent all the time. It’s not the pain I’m afraid of anymore, it’s what it takes away. I want to move on with my education and my life in general. I want to make friends and have an active social life. I just want to live a more normal life.

Last week I went to see the rheumatologist I saw back in April. She’s very kind, but she doesn’t think whatever’s going on with me is rheumatological, and doesn’t think there’s much she can do. I’m incredibly tired of having this conversation with doctor after doctor. I don’t seem to fall under anyones specialty, and no one wants to help. The rare few doctors who do want to help, like her and my GP, don’t know what else to do. Part of me doesn’t think anyone is ever going to be able to figure it out.

I’m trying really hard to “live in the moment,” and enjoy the time I have while I’m feeling well. It’s incredibly hard to do that though, when you know what’s to come. Honestly I would much rather feel terrible now and then feel better in the fall when classes start, but that would be too easy. Don’t get me wrong, I’m incredibly grateful to have been feeling well these past three months, I know many people with chronic illnesses don’t get a few good days let alone months.

My rheumatologist and GP spoke and decided I should do some genetic testing. We’re doing it through 23&Me which makes me a little skeptical of its accuracy, but it won’t hurt to see of it gives us any decent information. I sent it off a few days ago, but it takes up to a month to process. Even if we don’t get nay good medical information, it will at least be interesting to see where I came from. Being white, I know it isn’t going to be every exciting, but it will still be interesting.

What’s going on in your life?

Have you/are you doing any new testing or starting a new treatment plan?

 

Lots of Love,

Alyssa

Bye-Bye Pride Month 2017

I can’t believe June is almost over! This summer is flying by already, before we know it’s going to be August and school will be in session again.

June was LGBTQIA+ pride month and so I did quite a few posts on the topic:

 

Pride month is coming to an end, but for the LGBTQ+ community, pride never stops. Sure there won’t be a parade, or rainbows and glitter plastered all over advertisements, but we continue to celebrate who we are all year long. My LGBT posts may slow down a bit, but they won’t stop.

I hope everyone had an amazing pride month, whether you were able to/chose to celebrate or not. This year I’m going to my very first Pride parade, but it doesn’t take place until September, so for me and many others Pride is not over. I’m really excited to spend a day being surrounded by lot of love, acceptance, and community.

Did you celebrate Pride?

Reclaiming LGBTQ+ Slurs

In the past five years or so “Queer” has become an increasing popular label for many people to describe their gender and/or sexuality. However not that long ago it was widely used as slur to harm the community. Is it okay to “reclaim” slurs?

I’m coming from the stand point of someone who has never been called a slur. Sure I’ve heard them many times, in both positive and negative ways, but no one was referring to me. Queer is a word I sometimes use to describe myself and the community. When writing “Queer community” I often wonder if that phrase is offensive to some people in the community. To be honest I use it mostly because saying LGBTQIA+ community over and over is long, and begins to feel repetitive. I would never mean for it to make someone feel uncomfortable or bring back bad memories for them.

For many people like me, we’ve never heard “queer” used in a negative connotation so it doesn’t seem like a negative thing. Recently I was watching Ash Hardell’s video about this topic and they had some really great things to say. Ash talked about how “Queer” is not commonly used as a slur anymore, and they felt that in order to reclaim a slur is shouldn’t be commonly used. Maybe it’s just the area I live in but I’ve never heard someone say “queer” as a slur. They also brought up the point that “Queer” originally meant “peculiar or odd” and didn’t have a violent background like some of the other slurs.

There are other slurs like the f word, or the d word, or the t word that haven’t been completely reclaimed. A handful of of people will use the word to describe themselves in order to try and take back the power from the bullies and hateful people who have used it towards them. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with doing this, but using the word to describe a whole group of people can be problematic. Some people who have been deeply hurt by a certain word do not want to be called that in way, shape, or form. Labels are all about personal preference, and some words shouldn’t be used to describe a group of people as a whole.

How to you feel about reclaiming slurs?

Do you use any reclaimed slurs to describe yourself?