Ragged Doll

I am a ragged doll

Dropped in the mud too many times

Beaten, broken, and stained

 

I am a ragged doll

Cast aside

Sprawled out in the bottom of the toy chest

Bending beneath the weight of better newer toys

 

Toys that haven’t been stained

Haven’t been dropped in the mud

Haven’t been broken

 

I spend my nights awake

Wondering if someone will ever want this ragged doll

This ragged, broken doll

 

Some days I appear to be new

My porcelain skin has yet to start crazing

When I shatter will you still pick me over the other toys?

 

I’d want a shiny new doll if I were you

These stains are off putting

And these chips are more trouble than they’re worth

 

In a sea of shiny toys

Who would pick this ragged doll

This ragged, broken doll

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I Never Used to Cry

I wrote this when I was really sad one day.

I’m currently not feeling like this, but I like how it turned out so here it is!

I never used to cry

Tears were for the weak

And I was strong

yes

This brick wall I’ve built has become increasingly more unstable

The cracks becoming more visible to the naked eye

The foundation in the beginning stages of crumbling

yes

Tears sting my eyes more often than I’d admit

My wails are silent and unseen

Yet unescapable for me

break

The smile I paint on everyday isn’t turning out as well as it used to

People are questioning it’s authenticity

and I’m too exhausted to lie

Giving vague explanations, leaving something more to be desired

break

I deflect any questions you have

Giving the answers I know you want to hear

It flows from my lips with false confidence

And you buy it

break

Living in a sea of clear eyes and smiling faces

I feel as if I do not belong

My smile isn’t as bright as hers

and my eyes try to tell the truth, resisting every effort I make to fit in

break

I’ve taught myself how to sob without sound

My heart wretched as I lay in the shower

Confusing tears with the shower stream

break

I turn off the water and stare at the ceiling

Looking for answers that are never there

Too tired to move

Hoping if I close my eyes it’ll all go away

break

But I can’t escape it even in my dreams

or nightmares rather

The sadness infiltrates every aspect of my life

My eyes ready to release the truth

Ready to tell everyone how broken I feel

How broken I am

break

I never used to cry

But I wasn’t strong

I just created a charade I can no longer keep up

When The Happiness Breaks Through

When the happiness breaks through

And the weight of heartache is lifted from my shoulders

My spirit begins to flutter

s

I lay down my burdens

And for the first time in too long I’ve let you take them

This sensation is distantly familiar

Oh my does it feel good

You’ve been waiting here all along

but I just come to visit

and I know that should change

I’m tired of making myself feel unwelcome

s

My spirit awoke, as cliché as that sounds

My soul feels light

And my inner most being has been lifted

For too long I’ve been trapped

Stuck under neath the weight of it all

And I shut down

Shut you out

The rain poured and I tried to make myself comfortable in these wet clothes

s

But you’re my umbrella

In that one shade of yellow that I’ve always felt was too happy

Maybe that’s it

I’m afraid of being happy

Because happy means things could go wrong

Happy means I could crash

s

But I already crashed

and never really got up

I only fell further and further into a hole of despair

Reaching for a hand I was not ready to take

Occasionally I’d crawl out only to fall back in

From the unbalanced weight of the boulder on my back

The boulder I let sit there, grasping tightly as you pulled, signaling for me to let go

All my life i’ve been told I’m too stubborn

But I don’t want to be stubborn with you

s

This isn’t the first time I’ve been here

I want to say it’s different now

My breaking point was long ago

Yet I’ve continued to shatter

I don’t know how much further I can break

Before the pieces are too hard to put back together

s

I hide under a mask of cynicism and small talk

This used to be a character I’d play

But we morphed into one on a dark day long ago

s

Part of me always feels silly when we get here

Why hadn’t I done this sooner?

I know the truth but I let the pain over take me

I’ve been running on sarcasm and anger for far too long

Contemplating things that aren’t what I want, aren’t who I am

s

Now I rejoice

Praise you till my throat dries and my tears run empty

For the first time in a long time happiness is appealing

Loving and being loved is desired, no needed

s

I want to say this will last forever

I want to believe I’ll continue to show up

I’m tired of being a guest within my own soul

There’s some cobwebs to clear sure, I won’t pretend like there isn’t

But when you break through

I want to delight in your name