Right Over Left: A Poem

Hands laying
One on top of the other
Right over left
Fingernails digging into her wrist

That all too familiar feeling
The dread, the sorrow, the anger
Swallowing tears, pinching her wrist
Holding it all together like she always does

The painted smile
The makeup, straightened hair, and stylish outfit
A costume of poise

One breath in, one breath out
Fingernails clawing at her wrist
Praying for numbness
Oh God, when did she start praying for numbness

Commanding the tears not to fall
Digging deeper and deeper into her skin
Pleading silently for the subject to change
Because this girl who seemingly can handle it all
May just crumble if she has to feel those tears run down her cheeks once again

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Kevin Hart and the Oscars Conundrum

If you’ve spent any amount of time on social media in the past month, you’ve probably heard about the Kevin-Hart-Oscars-Situation. Essentially, after it was announced that Kevin Hart would be hosting the 2019 Oscars, some journalists noticed he deleted homophobic tweets he made back in 2009-2010. Tweets were not the only documentation of Hart’s homophobic past, he also included homophobic “jokes” about not wanting his son to be gay in one of his stand-up sets.

When all of this began to blow up in his face, the Oscars asked Hart to apologize, and if he didn’t they were going to replace him as host. Kevin Hart then refused to apologize, stating he already had and would not do it again, and then stepped down from hosting the Oscars. Before I unpack this whole mess, let me just say that I believe people can change. I want to see people change, and I think even those with the hardest of hearts can be different if they chose to be. I also think we should forgive people, if and when they make a sincere apology and show changed behavior. I do not believe this is the case with Kevin Hart.

Many journalists have looked for this elusive apology Hart claims to have made, but it has yet to be found. The fact that he was not willing to simply apologize and move on in the first place is very telling to me. The incredibly dismissive and defensive nature of Kevin Harts interviews since the backlash shows me, that not only is his half-assed apology, that only came after stepping down from the Oscars and continuing to receive backlash afterwards, is insincere but Hart also does not see the serious repercussions that the LGBTQIA+ community faces when people like him promote homophobia.

Ellen DeGenerous had Kevin Hart on her show for him to tell his story. On the show he did technically apologize, but not without excuses and continuing to bring up that he had already apologized. She then forgave him and said she believed he should still host the Oscars. Ellen does not speak for the whole community, she doesn’t even speak on behalf of all white lesbians, because I definitely disagree with her. On her show, he said he just wanted it all to go away and to stop being talked about. That only continues to show his lack of remorse. He also painted himself as victim, with a sob story to follow, feeling very much like he thinks the blow back from the LGBTQA+ community took the Oscars from him. When you are the perpetrator you don’t get to decide when the conversation is over.

CNN reporter Don Lemon did an amazing segment on this situation that I think everyone should watch, if you haven’t already. In a follow up, Lemon talks about how Kevin Hart has behaved in other “apology” interviews he has done. To be honest it blows my mind that Hart can’t give a genuine apology. Every single apology is followed with, “…but I didn’t say these things to ACTUAL gay people,” “… but the times were different,” “… but I already apologized,” “… anyone who refuses to accept my apology is a hater and that’s their problem.” He also said that “It’s not his life dream to be an LGBTQA+ ally” in response to Don Lemon suggesting he uses his platform to help end homophobia in the black community. Guess what Kevin? It’s not my life dream to constantly be bombarded with homophobia but here we are.

So, what’s the answer to this situation? I don’t need Kevin Hart to apologize again nor to I need him to be a champion for LGBTQA+ rights. We clearly aren’t going to get a better apology, and I can accept that. I hope we can see his apology through changed behavior instead. I also hope this sets a precedent to show that homophobia is not okay, and our community will hold you accountable for it. Honestly, at the end of the day this could have been a simple situation. One genuine apology would have changed everything. Homophobia comes in all different shades, every homophobic person is not holding a “I hate fags” sign, sometimes it comes out in jokes and comments. While this whole situation may seem silly to some, the reality of living as a minority teaches you even the most palatable bigotry and hate is deadly.

 

Fixer: A Poem

I am a fixer

Lay down your pieces

And I will mend you back together

 

I will sew your scraps

with only the faintest seams visible

and you will leave almost as good as new

 

please don’t mind my own patchwork

with its loose threads and sloppy stitching

it’s no representative of what I can do for you

 

Let me restore your soul

Taking your doubts and heartache

Leaving rehabilitation and healing in their places

 

Distract me with your sorrows

So that I may not think about mine

That I have yet to be able to fix

As I am no fixer of my own

Books I Read in 2018

In 2018, I read a total of 30 books! I set a goal to read 24 books this year, so I’m very pleased I was able to not only meet that goal- but surpass it. In 2017 I read 18 books, which means I read 12 more books this year than I did last year.

Here are all of the books I read in 2018:

  1. How to Make a Wish by: Ashley Herring Blake 1/2/18
  2. Keeping You a Secret by: Julie Anne Peters 1/2/18
  3. Ramona Blue by: Julie Murphy 1/5/18
  4. Seven Ways We Lie by: Riley Redgate 1/7/18
  5. Simon Vs. The Homo Sapiens Agenda by: Becky Albertalli 1/9/18
  6. Kissing Kate By: Lauren Myracle 1/11/18
  7. Milk and Honey By: Rupi Kaur 1/11/18
  8. The Lies About Truth By: Courtney Stevens 2/20/18
  9. You Know Me Well By: Nina LaCour & David Levithan 4/6/18
  10. The Scorpion Rules By: Erin Bow 4/15/18
  11. Queens of Geek By: Jen Wilde 4/20/18
  12. The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian By: Sherman Alexie 4/24/18
  13. Fan Art By: Sarah Tregay 4/25/18
  14. Hate List By: Jennifer Brown 4/26/18
  15. We Are Okay By: Nina LaCour 4/29/18
  16. Dumplin’ By: Julie Murphy 5/1/18
  17. Leah on the Offbeat By: Becky Albertalli 5/2/18
  18. The Miseducation of Cameron Post By: Emily M. Danforth 5/6/18
  19. Tell Me Again How A Crush Should Feel By: Sara Farizan 5/7/18
  20. Side Effects May Vary By: Julie Murphy 5/8/18
  21. Hold Still By: Nina LaCour 5/15/18
  22. The Gilda Stories By: Jewelle Gomez 5/18/18
  23. Unbecoming By: Jenny Downham 5/20/18
  24. The Inside of Out By: Jenn Marie Thorne 5/24/18
  25. The Sun is Also a Star By: Nicola Yoon 5/30/18
  26. Little & Lion By: Brandy Colbert 6/4/18
  27. Ash By: Malinda Lo 6/8/18
  28. If I was your girl By: Meredith Russo 12/15/18
  29. Of Fire and Stars By: Audrey Coulthurst 12/30/18
  30. Every Heart a Doorway By: Seanan McGuire 12/31/18

My DNF’s:

  1. My Best Friend Maybe By: Caela Carter
  2. Afterworlds By: Scott Westerfeild

For the first half of this year my reading was pretty good. Then I took a summer class and read less, after that I moved to university and my reading became abysmal. For some reason I have a really hard time reading for fun when I’m in school because I always think that I should be reading my textbooks or notes or research papers instead, and that reading for fun is not the best use of my time. I’m hoping to be able to let myself read more during school this coming year. My goal for 2019 is to read 50 books!

Some of my favorite books I read this year were We are Okay, How to Make a Wish, and Little & Lion. I tend to forget what happened in books unless I really love them, but overall I remember enjoying the majority of the books I read this year. Most of these books have some sort of LGBTQIA+ representation in them, and I really want to continue to read more LGBTQIA+ books in 2019. For Christmas I asked for quite a few books, so here are the books I’m looking forward to reading in 2019:

IMG_4404
A Stack of Books (top to bottom): I’m Judging you By: Luvvie Ajayi, Girl made of Stars By: Ashley Herring Blake, Radio Silence By: Alice Oseman, What If It’s Us By: Becky Albertalli and Adam Silvera, The Hate U Give By: Angie Thomas, Becoming By: Michelle Obama

What were some of your favorite books you read in 2018? What are you looking forward to reading in the new year? As always I’d love suggestions for books you think I should read, as I have yet to be steered wrong by any of ya’ll!

I hope everyone has a Happy New Year, and your 2019 is full of good books 🙂

 

My 2019 Goals

2018 was a crazy year for me. There were so many triumphs and heartaches that it feels difficult to remember them all. I’m sure many of you agree that this year has felt very long, especially if you are an American. 2018 brought a lot of change into my life, both good and bad, change is hard. 2019 already feels like it is going to bring me even more change, and hopefully with that will come more growth. Here are my 2019 Goals…

  1. Grades, Grades, Grades

When is this not a goal of mine? My education is so important to me; honestly maybe even a little too important. Next semester I’m taking 16 hours, which is more than I’ve ever taken before, and some of my classes are known for being really difficult. My goal for 2019 is to maintain my GPA, and get A’s in all of my classes.

2. Transfer… again

Oh dear reader, are you getting deja vu? This time last year I was working on applying to transfer from community college to a university, and this year I’m working on applying to a new university. It’s starting to seem like I just loving filling out that common application! I’m hoping to transfer to a different university that offers my intended major, as my current university does not. The school I’m looking at is quite difficult to get into and has been my dream school since I was a child. As much as I dread that thought of moving again, I’m really hoping I’m able to transfer again for the Fall semester.

3. Be more open

Outside of this blog, where I often share far too much, I am very closed off in real life. I play my cards close to my chest, and have learned to have quite a good poker face. I don’t offer up very much personal information when people ask, and honestly this makes it really hard to grow relationships with people. I want to be more open with people in my life, and new people I meet in 2019.

4. Read More

I did a decent job reading this year, but there are so many more books I’d love to read in the coming year. In 2019, I want to read 50 books, which may be quite the undertaking, but I think it is doable. (Stay tuned for a ‘what I read in 2018’ post).

5. Be more active on WordPress

This past semester definitely slowed down my posts, at times to a screeching halt, but I really want to be putting out more content. I also want to read for blogs, and interact with ya’ll more here on my blog!

Thank you for spending any amount of time this year reading Queerly Texan! I’ve thoroughly enjoyed each and every interaction I’ve had with ya’ll. Let me know what kind of posts you would like to see from me in 2019!

What are your 2019 goals?

Queerly Texan Turns Two!

Today, two years ago I started Queerly Texan!

I never would have thought that I would still be blogging two year later. Queerly Texan has been an incredibly important part of my life over the last two years. It’s helped me connected with other queer and chronically ill people, which I wasn’t getting in my real life. I have documented so many of my triumphs and difficulties on this blog and I wholeheartedly appreciate everyone who has taken the time to read any of my posts, left a comment, or followed this blog. It means more to me than you could imagine.

I hope I can return the favor and help other people looking for community online to feel a little less alone, at least for a moment. Thank you to everyone who has done that for me.

Love,

Alyssa

Lonely: A Poem

I am suffocated by loneliness

The silence is ear-piercing

as my soul desperately searches for some sort of noise

 

my social life is solitary confinement

and my shackles are isolation

even within my seclusion I feel companionless

like I am the only one who has ever felt this hollow

 

my dreary existence never gets easier

another day, month, year passes

and yet the abandonment I feel only grows stronger

 

they say humans need one another to stay alive

so is that why I feel lifeless?