Welcome to College, You’re Going to Hell

On my first week of college in the Fall Semester of 2018, I sat outside my biology class waiting for the previous class to exit the room before my class began. A person then walked down the hall handing out papers folded in half. Since this was our first day of class, I thought that maybe they were the TA, and were handing out a syllabus or other document important for the class. I took a paper from them, said “thank you,” and then unfolded it as they continued to pass them out to the rest of my classmates. Much to my surprise, this had nothing to do with my class, but was instead a hateful document handed to me by a member of a discriminatory church in our college town.

areyoureally.jpg
(Image Description: photo of a document titled “Are you REALLY a Christian? If not, turn to Jesus!”)

Less than a week later I would be aggressively handed another one of these papers when I didn’t take it right away. The cynic in me finds it humorous. People like this have no power over my feelings, and are incapable of invalidating my identity as a member of the LGBTQ+ community. However, the Christian in me is saddened by their complete lack of understanding of the way Jesus lived and loved. The aggression and clear bigotry shown in this document does not correspond to the message of love Jesus preached. I also find it a bit paradoxical that one of the “deadly sins” they list is anger. They seem pretty angry to me.

I do not think it is right to push your religion on anyone else. Faith is an incredibly personal thing, and should not be forced on another person. The last thing anyone is going to do when reading this paper is want to join their church. As a queer Christian, and progressive person, I find it incredibly hard to identify with other Christians. So many of their actions are the exact opposite of what I believe in and feel is right. The anti-catholic rhetoric is also incredibly unhelpful, and leads to even more divisiveness within the church.

My college is very progressive for being located in Texas. If you are a hard-core conservative, you are in the minority at my school. This has lead to street preachers targeting our campus two years in a row with a similar (yet much more vulgar and aggressive) message. While many members of the student body have loudly protested these hateful messages, it still leads to students feeling unsafe on campus. Many students came to my college to flee their conservative and unwelcoming Texas hometown. It deeply saddens me to think that they would feel unsafe here because of people like the street preachers, and the group who handed me that paper on my first day of class.

These hateful actions need to be called out, but disruption and arguments are often the goal of these groups. It can be difficult to find ways to rebuke the ideologies of these people, without giving them the emotional response they are seeking. As a Christian, it is my job to speak up when groups discriminate against others in the name of Christianity. While I am proud of the student bodies response to messages like these, I hope we can progress to a time where these messages are not sent in the first place.

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Revisiting My 2018 Goals

At the end of 2017, I made a post about what my goals were for 2018. During the entirety of 2018, I never went back and read them until now. To be quite honest I had forgotten what most of them actually were, which made revisiting them kind of fun.

My first goal was to keep my grades up, or more specifically, maintain my GPA in the spring semester of 2018. Now I’m not sure whether to say I met this goal or not. On one hand, I actually ended up having to drop out of spring semester due to illness, so I didn’t receive any credits for the work I did at all. However, I did maintain my GPA for the fall semester when I went back to college. Technically I did keep my grades up, just not in the spring semester. I’m gonna call it a win, even though it is on a technicality. 🙂

My second goal was to transfer to a university and I did that! I didn’t end up at the school I thought I would go to in that post, but I did in fact transfer to a new school.

The third goal I had was to get my pharmacy technician license. I did not do this, and it is also no longer a goal of mine. I changed my major and getting a pharmacy tech license isn’t as relevant to my future as it once was.

My fourth goal was to be more involved in my community.  This year I did a few new things to be more involved like participating in the March for our Lives, and voting in my first election. My community also changed some, as I moved forty-five minutes away to go to university. I joined a few clubs/organizations at my university, one of which is a volunteer organization where we do blood pressure screenings for people dealing with homelessness and poverty.

The last goal I made was to continue blogging, and I think this post is proof that I did in fact do that. I would like to blog more in 2019. This year was so crazy for me that my blogging slowed down towards the end of the year, but I would like to post more often in the future.

What goals did you have for 2018? Were you able to accomplish them? Let me know in the comments! I’d also love to hear that your goals are for 2019. Look for a post of my 2019 goals coming soon!

 

Moving Into My First College Apartment

On Friday I took the leap and moved into my apartment!

We had brought almost all of my stuff on the 18th, so I packed up my truck with the few things I had left and drove myself to my University. I’m not gonna lie, driving away from my parents and home was so hard. Luckily for me the drive is about 45 minutes to an hour, so it wasn’t too bad. I know I’m really close, but right now it feels super far.

I’ve barely been here and I miss home so much. Since I’m a transfer student there wasn’t all the events that new freshman have. They did have a few, but I would have had to leave on Monday to be a part of them, and I wasn’t ready to leave then. I’m spent most of my time putting together the last few pieces of my apartment, but I’m feeling super lonely. I know this will get better and is just a normal part of leaving, but boy does it hurt. I’m so close with my parents, especially because of all my health issues. I’ve been so isolated for the past six plus years that I truly have no one else besides my family. Dealing with not having friends is tough, but this is the most lonely I’ve ever felt.

For now I’m just trying to keep myself busy. My problem is that I can only exert myself so much before I feel sick and have to lay down, but when I lay down I’m less distracted from my sadness. I’ve been forcing myself to keep doing stuff even when I feel bad because at least I feel a little more distracted from being sad. I’m sure when classes start this will get better though since I’ll have a lot more to occupy my time with. Class starts Monday so logically I know it’s really soon and things will feel better then, but in this moment time is passing incredibly slowly.

I have a roommate but we’ve barely been spoken to one another. I’m hoping we can get to know each other a little more this weekend, and that things improve on that end.

I know I made the right decision to leave home and try to attend college at a University, but home sickness makes you question everything. Seriously, no one tells you it will be this hard.  Let me know if you have any tips for leaving home for the first time!

 

My Experience Getting a Disabled Parking Permit

I’ve questioned if I’m “disabled enough” for a disabled parking permit for a long time. On the outside I look like your average eighteen year old girl, so people tend to downplay the severity of my chronic illnesses, and I was afraid to ask for help because I didn’t want to be laughed at or accused of exaggerating. Even though many people who have the same conditions as I do use a disabled parking permit, I was still apprehensive about asking for one.

My mom and I have been discussing this for quite a while, but when I found out I was going to college and living off campus, the conversation became more serious. The college I’m going to is very large and they have a huge parking issue. Even if I went to class two hours early to find parking there’s still no guarantee I’d find a spot, especially since students who live on campus are prioritized when it comes to parking. When I was going to community college I would get to school an hour early because the walk from the parking lot to the building, and then from inside the building to my class would take so much out of me that I would feel awful and needed time to rest to regain some energy.

Honestly, going through that routine everyday was incredibly tiring physically and very daunting every morning. Not even being able to get to class at a community college without at least a 20 minute break to recover was a reality check for how bad things really were. I would use all my energy to go to class, and then would crash and feel even more terrible when I got home, to the extent I wasn’t able to do anything at all for the rest of the day. Then things got even worse and I wasn’t able to do it at all.

I was really nervous to ask my PCP about the parking permit, especially since I just recently switched to a new PCP (my old PCP I had seen for six years and she ran out of ideas so I decided to get a fresh pair of eyes on my situation). However, she is pretty well versed with the whole Dysautonomia thing and everything that goes along with that, and she agreed that it would be beneficial to me especially in the school setting. Outside of school, I plan on only using it on really bad days. If I’m feeling decent then I won’t use it, or if the nearest available parking spot isn’t too far, I also won’t use it.

When we went to the DMV to actually get the permit I was nervous that they would think I was faking it, since I don’t fit the physical description of what most people who receive these permits fit. However, the man was very nice and everything worked out perfectly! I sat down while my mom stood in line, and then went up to the desk to give the man all my paperwork and my ID. I started to feel really terrible right after we got there, so when the man asked if I needed to sit down while he looked over everything, I was very grateful. My mom stood there while he looked over everything and got the placards, and then we were done! The whole process took maybe twenty minutes, which I was really thankful for since I thought it would be like the DPS where you have to wait for over two hours just to renew your license.

This is definitely not something I want to have to need, but I’m glad the process was easy and painless. I hope actually using it in the real world goes smoothly too!

What It’s Like Currently Being a Student in America

I’ve grown up in a post-Columbine world. The talk of school shootings is not something new to me, I’ve been taught how to prepare for one my whole life. I’ve spent hours siting in dark classrooms, huddled in the corner with my classmates praying it’s only a drill. As of February, there have been a total of 18 school shootings in 2018. The latest, taking place at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida, where a gunman killed 17 people.

As a current student, this terrifies me. Many days I wake up wondering if I could be next. I’ve made action plans for every classroom I go to, in case I find myself in an active shooter situation. When I see students walking with their hands in a hoodie, I wonder if they’re concealing a gun. When I hear screaming in the hallway, I immediately think “where should I hide?” The worst part about all of this is that it is a preventable issue, yet our government just won’t do anything to prevent it.

I don’t want to be the next victim of a school shooting. I don’t want to see my classmates be victims of a school shooting. I don’t want to see anymore children die in school a shooting. We’re required by law to go to school from the time we turn five until we graduate from high school, and yet we are not safe there. I may now be in college, and have made the decision to be in school, but I still deserve to be safe. No students will be safe until we have gun control, and no students will be safe until our government stops taking money from the NRA.

It is not too soon, now is the time to talk about this. April 20th, 1999 was the time to talk about gun control, December 14th, 2012 was the time to talk about gun control, February 14th, 2018 was the time to talk about gun control, and yet we didn’t. We’ve become so numb as a nation that we get over mass tragedy is a few weeks. We don’t even remember the details of all the recent shootings, because there have been so many. The victims of these horrific acts of violence deserve to be remembered. They deserve justice, and that can only come when we, as a nation, make sure this never happens again. People my age and younger, like Emma Gonzalez, are having to step up and lead a movement. Children, and people who are barely adults, should not have to constantly tell grown-ups that our lives are worth more than your right to own an automatic weapon.

 

Advice for College Freshman

Since my first semester of college just ended, I thought I would share some of the things I learned. For reference I go to a local community college, I’m a biology major, and I got a 4.0 my first semester:

  1. It’s literally just lecturing most of the time

Maybe this is because I only look core classes my first semester (history 1301, biology 1406, english 1301, and math 1314), but all we ever did was lecture and test. In high school you do a lot of busy work and activities, but there is no free time or “fun” days in college. The only class that broke this rule was my English class, where we did a lot of group discussion.

2. Give yourself time in-between some of your classes

Monday, Wednesday, Friday I had History from 10:00-10:50, and then my next class, Algebra, wasn’t until 12:00-12:50. I used the hour in between them to study and do homework, and it was so helpful! It was a designated hour to just work, and it really helped me stay on top of everything. It can be difficult to work at home, and it’s easy to talk yourself out of staying after class to work, so making your schedule with breaks in between is ideal.

3. Take good notes

This sounds like a no-brainer, but honestly it’s so important. I basically spent the entire semester trying to figure out what note-taking strategy worked best for me. I would recommend doing hand written notes if you’re able to, because I definitely retain more info when I write something verses when I type it. I also really like the strategy of condensing your notes down to key information that you’re still working on learning before a test or major quiz. It’s much more effective to study the most important/most difficult information alone, than it is to study everything your Professor lectured over.

4. Take advantage of your resources

This is something I wish I would have done more of. At my college, we have a writing center, and free math tutors which I never used, but should have. Having free resources is something you will probably never get again after college, so take advantage of them! Also, if you have a disability like me, sign up for disability services. They may not be able to completely accommodate you, depending on your needs, but in my case they were super accommodating and happy to help.

5. Do Practice Quizzes/Tests

Taking practice quizzes and tests online is the main thing I used to study. Just reading and highlighting your notes if often not enough. My biology textbook came with a code for online study materials, which is what I used to practice. I like practice tests because you not only need to know the information for your exams, but you also have to know how to apply it.

 

These were the most important things I took away from my first semester in college, academically speaking. Are you in college? What are your tips for college freshman / college students in general?

How did you know you were gay?

Even though I’ve been out for a few years now, I’ve never really had anyone ask me “How did you know you were gay?” until a few weeks ago. One of my lab partners (who’s also gay) asked me this kind of out of the blue while we were working on our lab report after class. Honestly, I didn’t have a great answer prepared.

I told her about an experience I had sophomore year of high school, where I randomly had a huge crush on this girl I didn’t really know in my Chemistry class. I wrote about that crush a long time ago, but I’ve since come to some other realizations. I think she could have been replaced with a thousand different people and it wouldn’t have made a difference. It’s not that I don’t have standards, or that I’m attracted to every girl I come in contact with – that’s far from the truth. It was just a period of time where I was questioning and figuring everything out, and she just so happened to be in the same class as me.

Now, my lab partner wasn’t exactly satisfied with this story. “But how do you know it wasn’t just her?” That question threw me for a loop a little bit. There’s no good answer, I just do. It’s a feeling that, I don’t feel the need to question anymore. For me, sexuality isn’t a complicated part of my life. I know how I feel, and who I like. It’s just that simple. It wasn’t that easy in the beginning, but over time the doubts left and I feel perfectly content with the conclusion. I don’t have some great story about being swept off my feet by the love of my life, and I don’t think having that kind of story is necessary. I wanted the experience to be casual and simple, and it was.

Her questions came from a place of curiosity, but they definitely made me think about a few things. Why are people so obsessed with knowing every thought that goes through queer people’s minds when questioning their sexuality or gender? Also, why do they feel the need to question it’s authenticity? One of my favorite qutoes from Denice Frohman’s poem “Dear Straight People” is:

” Dear Straight People, I’m tired of proving my love is authentic, so I’m calling the reparations on your ass. When did you realize you were straight? Who taught you?Did it happen because your parents are divorced? Did it happen because your parents are not divorced? Did it happen because you sniffed too much glue in fifth grade? Dear Straight People, why do I have to prove my love is authentic? Why do I have to prove my love is authentic? Why do I have to prove my love is authentic?”

I get a whole lot of “I would have never known” and “Really???” This has to do with the fact that I don’t look queer enough in straight people’s eyes. I wear makeup, have shoulder length hair, and generally act feminine enough to be shoved (forcefully) into the straight box. I can look in the mirror and think, “wow I look really gay today” (in a proud way) and still no one suspects a damn thing. The authenticity of my gayness is questioned because I don’t look the part or fit perfectly into the tiny box created for the stereotypical lesbian.

I don’t mind answering these questions, or most questions for that matter. However, I am tired of both people in my day to day life as well as society as a whole questioning who I am because I don’t fit the mold. So, how did I know I was gay? I trusted myself, and through lots of introspection discovered the answer to this aspect of my life. Maybe it’s not the best answer, or the answer people want to hear, but it’s the most honest one.