The Hair Perv: Chronically Misunderstood

In the fall of 2016 my PCP thought I might have pseudotumor cerebri. One of my mom’s coworkers daughters had this and went to see a neuro-ophthalmologist, so we decided I should see him and figure out if I actually had pseudotumor cerebri or not.

This was probably the weirdest doctors appointment I have ever had. To start it off we were shuffled between five different rooms to do a bunch of eye tests. No one explained anything or said why I was doing the tests. When we finally saw the doctor he looked at my eyes and said maybe five sentences to me. He told me I needed an MRI and he would give me a prescription for torodol. After four years (at the time) of chronic illness I was kind of offended that he thought  had never tried torodol. It’s pretty much the first pain med doctors try when you first become sick.

After I saw him there was one more eye test I had to do. An older man was running the machine and was getting everything set up. To be honest I don’t remember 100% what the test was for since the day was such a whirl-wind. The man had to put some sort of salt on my scalp and then put electrodes over the areas of salt. I had rather long hair at the time, and my hair is pretty thick. As he put the electrodes on my scalp he ran his finger through my hair and said, “I’m enjoying this way too much.”

“I’m enjoying this way too much”

What the hell is that supposed to mean? I was sixteen and that comment was incredibly inappropriate, plus my mom was standing right there. I have no idea why he thought that was an okay thing to think, let alone say. I was there to find answers to my chronic illnesses, not be hit on by some pervy old dude.

We did the MRI and found out I do not have a pseudotumor, so needless to say we’ve never been back. In those 4 four years pervious to that appointment no one would order an MRI for me, so at least I got that out of this mess.

Oh the things we go through to find answers to our chronic illnesses!

Dead: Chronically Misunderstood

I can remember this moment as if it were yesterday.

I walked into fifth period with a haze over me from the pain meds I had taken that morning. I felt horrible but I had missed this class everyday for weeks and knew I needed to go in order to attempt to catch up. There were three people I recognized in that English class and the rest were complete strangers.

When I walked in there was a boy siting in my seat, naturally I though they had changed seats so I asked a girl who sat by my presumably “old seat” if the teacher had changed the seating chart. “Ugh no,”  she scoffed at me, “we’ve been in the same seats from the beginning of the year.” I didn’t have the energy nor the will to scoff back or come up with a witty comment. “I used to sit there, where’s your old seat? I’ll move,” I ask the boy.

Before he can respond the girl juts in, “Oh your that girl” she says as she rolls her eyes. The boy got up and I sat down exhausted and slightly annoyed at her unnecessary attitude. As I unpacked my things the other students began to talk about me as if I wasn’t there. “I thought she moved” one kid said, “I didn’t think she was ever coming back another chimed in. Then as if the whole world went into slow motion the same rude girl spits out, “well I thought she died.”

I thought she died.

The conversation continues with the other students saying “Oh no I didn’t think she died, but I’m surprised she’s back.” I sat in disbelief. These people who don’t even know my name are having a whole conversation about me while I sit right in front of them. I’m just “that girl” to them.

Looking back I wish I was coherent enough to have snapped back, “thanks for coming to my funeral. You seem really upset by my death.” Honestly the lack of social awareness is what makes this semi-funny. I have to admit a part of me is still a little annoyed that they behaved that way and couldn’t care less about the status of my life. Teenagers can be so insensitive. Of course they didn’t know this but at the time I wasn’t sure if I was going to die or not, soon I mean; we’re all going to die. I had no diagnosis (but that hasn’t changed) and I was in such severe pain everyday that something was obviously really wrong.

Now it’s almost comical, but in the moment it was just one more thing to deal with. Moral of the story think before you speak, oh and also just don’t be a jerk.

Lots of Love,

If a dead girl can even love 🙂

Alyssa

Why are you here?: Chronically Misunderstood

This one is going to be a bit of a back story, but I’ll make it quick. At the time I in high school and it was my freshman year. The school I went to really didn’t like that I was absent a lot and made me jump through a lot of hoops in order to “make up my time.” This had happened for the past two years I was in middle school as well, but their obsession with me being in school makes this story funny to me. Also at this time doctors thought I had abdominal migraines also known as cyclical vomiting syndrome.

I walked into school late and went to check in  before heading to class. Normally I would go to my house office, but the secretary at the front desk stopped me and asked me my name. When I told her who I was she looked me up in the computer system which I thought was odd. I had come into school late a lot and no one ever questioned me. Normally I just went to the office, got a note, and was on my way.

The lady started to look really confused and said, “you aren’t supposed to be here.” I didn’t know what to say to that. Here I am at school, specifically at a school that get’s very angry when I’m absent yet this lady is telling me I’m not supposed to be here? “You’ve been counted absent for the whole day,” she told me. I responded with, “I don’t know why, I didn’t tell anyone I was going to be gone all day.”

She furiously tapped away on the computer and I just stood there throughly confused. She walked away into the main office and came back looking relieved. She exclaims, rather loudly I might add, ” OH YOU’RE STOMACH MIGRAINE GIRL!” I guess I had developed a reputation. “Yeah…” I replied trying not to laugh. For some reason being stomach migraine girl made everything okay and she let me go on my way. I’m still honestly not sure what that situation was all about, but it was funny nonetheless.

Tell me a funny or weird story about your high school experience!

Lots of Love,

Alyssa

Liar Sprite: Chronically Misunderstood

For some reason anesthesia makes me a bit agitated and generally put out with anyone and everything. This specific incident took place after my second colonoscopy/endoscopy and for some reason I decided that filters weren’t needed and I definitely wasn’t gonna use mine.

When I first came to consciousness there was part of a popsicle in my mouth and I was very confused. Apparently I had said I wanted it, but I don’t remember any of that. My dad was holding the stick and the first thing I said was “What are you doing? Why would you do that?” in an accusatory tone. It’s a good thing I have nice parents who just smiled and then jokingly made fun of me later. They’ve put up with a lot from post-procedure Alyssa, and she isn’t always very nice.

Later the nurse asked me if I wanted any Sprite to take some medication with and in a fog I said yes. She came back with Shasta Twist which was completely unacceptable to drugged up me. I turned to my parents and said, “oh so all they have is lair Sprite? I don’t want this liar Sprite.” Apparently anesthesia also makes me high maintenance. I was deeply offended that someone would try to pass off brand soda onto me like it was the real deal.

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The clean out for a colonoscopy is enough to make anyone on edge, but add medication and an already sarcastic attitude and well the outcome isn’t always very pretty. I think it’s really funny that I said those things because I never act like that, and I can’t believe that off-brand soda offended me. Who knew I was such a brat when it came to Sprite?

Lots of Love,

and Sprite 😉

Alyssa

 

 

 

Poop Shoot: Chronically Misunderstood

Way back in the very  beginning of my medical journey I had my first ever CT scan. The pediatrician I saw thought I was having an appendicitis so I had a scan scheduled for that afternoon at the hospital in my town. Up until this point the only person in my family who had been there was my brother for a collar bone fracture, and the care wasn’t very good, so our hopes weren’t high, but we didn’t have any other choices that we knew of.

When I arrived for my appointment they have me two one-liter bottles of contrast to drink. It was thick like a smoothie while also being chalky. One was berry which I was fine with and the other was banana. I absolutely hate banana. It isn’t just a food I don’t care for, it’s my least favorite food and the smell alone makes me want to vomit. They didn’t have any more berry though, so I was going to have to suck it up. I had two hours to drink it all and I already wasn’t feeling well.

Needless to say the next two hours were awful.  I couldn’t finish the last half of the second bottle and when we went back so they could perform the CT and told the tech I couldn’t finish she said, “Oh that’s fine, one was probably enough.” Are you kidding? I dry heaved the whole time while forcing myself to drink this nasty paste and I didn’t even have to drink the second one? Ugh

Then comes the IV. This was the first time I had ever gotten one and I was terrified. They made my mom stay in the waiting room which didn’t make much sense because they hadn’t started using radiation yet. The same annoying tech stuck me three times and surprise, surprise didn’t get it.  She called in an ER nurse who got it… three times later. The whole time they searched for a vein she kept saying to me “all we’re gonna do is a take some pictures to look at your poop shoot.” I swear she said “poop shoot” like twelve times. Maybe she thought I was constipated, but there’s no way she could have known that from looking at me.  I may have been 12, but I was more than old enough to know and understand anatomical names for body parts.

Both during and after the scan she also mentioned my “poop shoot” again. Something about that phrase just weirds me out. People say some odd things to kids into to try to relate to them. If your curious I wasn’t constipated, at the time I had Mesenteric Adenitis which was super confusing and I’m still not sure how it all fits into this puzzle. I can’t help but laugh every time I think about a grown woman squawking “poop shoot” over an dover again. Who thinks of these things? 🙂

Lots of Love,

Alyssa

I Can’t Be a Drug Addict: Chronically Misunderstood

I have terrible veins.

They’re deep, tiny, and they roll.

On this particular occasion when I was getting my blood drawn the phlebotomist was terrible at her job. She stuck me four times, didn’t cover up the pokes afterward, and instead of cleaning up the blood she just made a bigger mess by wiping it all over my arm. The biggest no-no she did was stick me with the same needle twice. I watched her as she used the same needle, but for some reason I couldn’t get my mouth to protest.

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On her fourth try she looked up at me, grins, and says “you have terrible veins, you could never be a drug addict.” I just stared back at her in complete shock, while she looks at me with the same big grin. Who says that? Yeah it’s funny, but what an odd thing to say. Maybe she was trying to lighten the situation since she was doing such a horrible job? That’s all I can think of. I’m still confused why that would be the first thing she thought of. Was she a drug addict? If so, it’s not my place to judge it just seems like an odd train of thought.

Are you a hard stick? Has anyone ever said something really odd to you while drawing your blood? I feel like I meet a lot of weird people, but maybe I just remember them more than other people. Let’s just file this one under a funny experience.

Lots of Love (and no drugs?),

Alyssa

 

 

School & Sunglasses: Chronically Misunderstood

This one is inspired by Chronically Dannie. She wrote about her high school violating her privacy, and it brought back this memory I had stored away.

The way high school is set up in my town is we have a freshman center and then a high school for 10-12 grade. Our school is huge and everyone couldn’t fit in the main high school, so freshman had their own building. The administration at the freshman center were super uptight, and were know-it-alls, hence this situation.

If you aren’t familiar with what a 504 plan is read this. I had a meeting about my 504 plan and accommodations, it went fine, they couldn’t come up with very many solutions or things to help me, but that wasn’t a new situation at this point. The next week my mom emailed them to follow up on some plans, and the 504 coordinator responded by telling her she had a new idea. She said I was going to be required to wear sunglasses while at school. WTF? I never wear sunglasses inside and when we told her I wasn’t gonna do that she said, “well my kids who have concussions do it and it helps them, so you should do it.”  She was taken back by the idea that I wouldn’t do that.

Wow I had no idea she had such an extensive background in medicine. Thanks Dr. Web-MD! I’ve never had a concussion and sunglasses aren’t gonna help my migraines, plus do I really need to stick out more? I was already “that girl who’s gone all the time,” I didn’t need to add “sunglasses girl” to the mix. I appreciate her trying to do something, but this wasn’t helpful, and the way she came across also didn’t make the situation better. Also, in what world can you make someone wear sunglasses inside? Definitely not the one I live in!

This just in, sunglasses cure migraines. I guess being in pain was completely avoidable all this time. This also wasn’t the last time that someone told me wearing sunglasses would “cure” my migraines. It’s funny now, but I still think it’s really odd. Have you had any weird experiences or “cures” offered to you due to chronic illness?

Lots of Love,

(and absolutely no sunglasses)

Alyssa