Would My Twelve Year Old Self be Proud of Me?

As I enter into adulthood, I find myself wondering if my twelve year old self would be proud of me. After some reflection, I have come to the conclusion that no, my twelve year old self is not proud of me, but I’m glad she isn’t.

At twelve, I had no concept of true struggle. I had just began my health journey, and thought everything would be resolved soon; boy was I wrong. I would have been devastated to know I would still be chronically ill nearly six years later. There’s no way I could even fathom everything I was about to go through at that age. I also would have been so disappointed in myself if I knew I was going to drop out of high school. Success in education has always been incredibly important to me, and I would have viewed leaving high school as a failure. Now, I can see that leaving was the best possible decision for me, and a smart choice. On the same topic, I would have been embarrassed that I go to a community college. At that age, I thought the only people who go to community college screwed around in high school, and couldn’t do any better. She would be proud of my grades though, so I guess that’s a win.

Obviously I was incredibly judge mental and had a very narrow view on life. Honestly? I’m incredibly happy that I am not the same person I was when I was twelve.  My twelve year old self didn’t know what was coming, and she sure as hell didn’t know how the world worked. Sometimes the dreams we have a children shouldn’t come true. Other times we learn that we can be successful and/or happy without completing those aspirations exactly as we had planned. One of the hardest parts about being chronically ill is mourning the life you planned for yourself. I’m processed a lot of the things I’ve lost over the years, but processing the things I may lose in the future is difficult.

I no longer view not my completing my childhood goals as failure. It’s taken me a long time, but I’m beginning to feel like I’ve truly just gone down a different path. Now I can look at my life and say, I completed my goal of going to college even if I’m going to community college, and I finished high school even if I got a GED. I actively have to chose to view these things in a positive light, because naturally they don’t feel like positive things to me. However, given everything thats happened to me I’m glad my twelve year old self wouldn’t be proud of me, because if I did everything she wanted me to do, I wouldn’t be proud of me now.

Do you think your twelve year old self would be proud of you? What are some of the childhood goals you set?

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21 thoughts on “Would My Twelve Year Old Self be Proud of Me?

  1. What. A honest letter to your younger self 😊 I am a professor at a top notch university and I think it is wise and economical to obtain all your prerequisite at a community college and then transfer into a four year university. Community colleges are also a great step stone into college life. To answer your question about my younger self I believe you and your readers may enjoy this post
    https://reallifeofanmsw.com/2016/10/25/3686

    Liked by 1 person

    1. There are a lot benefits to going to community college, it just wouldn’t have been my first choice. I have had many valuable experiences while in community college, and I think it is a great stepping stone for many people and a lot of different situations. I’ll definitely check out your post!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. My 12 year old self most definitely would not be proud of my now at 25. I’m unemployed and spend most of my time scheduling my life around endometriosis and IBS flares. But I agree with your point, 12 year old me had no clue how the world worked and what’s really important in life. I may not be a big career woman like I wanted, but I have a loving and supportive husband, good friends and a good sense of who I am, which counts for a lot.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That does count for a lot! As I enter adulthood knowing I’m going to be dealing with chronic illness forever, I try to remind myself that goals can change and I can live a fulfilling life even if I am not able to complete everything I want to do. I hope at 25 I will be able to find what’s important to me amidst the chaos that is chronic illness, just like you have!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I think my 12 year old self would be a little disappointed in me. I always wanted to be a writer! I wanted to write books and have them published but when it was time for college it was not in the stars for me to go to the college I wanted and study what I wanted. It just was not affordable. I guess maybe someday I could make the 12 year old me proud!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. My 12-year-old self would definitely be disappointed in me. Back then, I was dreaming about prom, high school graduation, college dorm shopping, and all of that stuff… I had major plans for myself, even after chronic illness set in. I think they’d be disappointed that we (my past self + I) never got to do that stuff after all.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Missing high school graduation and prom were two of the hardest things for me when it came to leaving high school. Even though I got sick in elementary school, I always thought I would be able to push through and graduate. It all happened so fast and then it was just over. Everyone I was in school with will go to senior prom in a couple of months and then graduate in June. I’m sure that’s going to be difficult to deal with when the time comes.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes, me too! I got POTS in middle school and I always thought I’d have everything under control by now and be living on my own with a job and a college degree.

        I’m sorry you’re going through what I did. ❤️ It sucks, but it’ll get easier to live with with time.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Hi, my names Mady. I just started my blog a couple weeks ago, its also about being chronically ill. I’ve been chronically ill my entire life but just here in my teenage years have i learned to accept it and started to share my stories. I just wanted to say that it was so amazing to hear another person say what you did. I learned early in my teen years that i wouldnt get to live the life that i had planned, but honestly the life i have now is better than i planned. Im sorry this is so long, but hope youre well. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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