Looking for Similarities

I wrote a poem about my experience with dissociation and depersonalization the other day, and I thought I would share it. When it was particularly bad for me, I wish I would have known what was happening and known other people were going through it too.

 

I feel disconnected from my own being

I look into the mirror and I do not know who I am

And not in a philosophical way

 

I am surprised by my own reflection

I do not know what I look like

Pictures from six years ago show who I think I am

But the mirror is telling me a different story

 

When people tell me I’m pretty, it does not feel like a compliment

I could not tell you if my body is objectively beautiful or not

 

I remember who I was before

What I wore

How I did my makeup

What I looked like

Now I am not sure

It’s one hell of a coping mechanism

 

I spend half an hour staring at myself in the mirror

Not because I’m vain, but because I’m curious

Have I always had this freckle next to my bottom lip?

When did my eyes get these gold specks in them?

I feel as if I am examining myself under a microscope

Looking for familiarity

 

My most recognizable feature is a line of three freckles on my right leg

It’s so minuscule and yet it reminds me, in times of desperation, that I still have the same body

 

My phone recognizes my face as three different people, as if it knows my inner thoughts

I constantly compare photographs from Christmas of 2015 to recent pictures, to find similarities

I’m playing Where’s Waldo with my own body, but I don’t win anything in the end

Not even satisfaction

 

My soul walks around this world and my body is just along for the ride

Showing up in my reflection to remind me how separated I’ve become

Maybe this is why I don’t go shopping

I’m too old to be dressing up a doll

 

 

 

P.S. If you haven’t seen yet, I’m doing a Q&A in honor of Queerly Texan turning one! Leave your questions in the comments below on this post or the Birthday post!

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2 thoughts on “Looking for Similarities

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