I can remember this moment as if it were yesterday.
I walked into fifth period with a haze over me from the pain meds I had taken that morning. I felt horrible but I had missed this class everyday for weeks and knew I needed to go in order to attempt to catch up. There were three people I recognized in that English class and the rest were complete strangers.
When I walked in there was a boy siting in my seat, naturally I though they had changed seats so I asked a girl who sat by my presumably “old seat” if the teacher had changed the seating chart. “Ugh no,” she scoffed at me, “we’ve been in the same seats from the beginning of the year.” I didn’t have the energy nor the will to scoff back or come up with a witty comment. “I used to sit there, where’s your old seat? I’ll move,” I ask the boy.
Before he can respond the girl juts in, “Oh your that girl” she says as she rolls her eyes. The boy got up and I sat down exhausted and slightly annoyed at her unnecessary attitude. As I unpacked my things the other students began to talk about me as if I wasn’t there. “I thought she moved” one kid said, “I didn’t think she was ever coming back another chimed in. Then as if the whole world went into slow motion the same rude girl spits out, “well I thought she died.”
I thought she died.
The conversation continues with the other students saying “Oh no I didn’t think she died, but I’m surprised she’s back.” I sat in disbelief. These people who don’t even know my name are having a whole conversation about me while I sit right in front of them. I’m just “that girl” to them.
Looking back I wish I was coherent enough to have snapped back, “thanks for coming to my funeral. You seem really upset by my death.” Honestly the lack of social awareness is what makes this semi-funny. I have to admit a part of me is still a little annoyed that they behaved that way and couldn’t care less about the status of my life. Teenagers can be so insensitive. Of course they didn’t know this but at the time I wasn’t sure if I was going to die or not, soon I mean; we’re all going to die. I had no diagnosis (but that hasn’t changed) and I was in such severe pain everyday that something was obviously really wrong.
Now it’s almost comical, but in the moment it was just one more thing to deal with. Moral of the story think before you speak, oh and also just don’t be a jerk.
Lots of Love,
If a dead girl can even love 🙂