Oh Valentines…

So tomorrow’s valentines day.

I personally don’t have any strong negative or positive feelings toward the 14th of February. I find it both funny and odd that people make such a big deal over one day. Lot’s of people in relationships make a huge fuss over it, and try to make valentines the “perfect day” chasing unneeded anxiety and stress. On the other hand about a week before  the 14th, all my social media gets filled with single people complaining about how sad being single is and how they hope they get in a relationship before Valentine’s Day rolls around.

Can’t we all just go back to giving each other cards and decorating heart shaped cookies?

Coming from the point of view of a seventeen year old who’s never been in a relationship- I have no problem with being single. In fact I find it humorous that anyone my age would worry about being single. It’s not that I wouldn’t be interested in being in a relationship if I found someone I liked, I just don’t think it’s the most important thing in your teenage years – and definitely not in this chronically ill hell that is my “teenage years.”

My older sister is 22 and has only dated one person. It was a very short relationship and was long distance so they didn’t get to do much together after they started dating. She talks about “being forever alone” a lot and I always tell her “YOU”RE 22!” I find it funny that I’m the younger sister yet I’m often the voice of reason in our relationship. She goes to a university that puts a big emphasis on getting engaged before graduation. I don’t think there’s anything wrong necessarily with getting engaged at 22, but that’s so young and I don’t think it’s the best idea for most people. Over Christmas break six of her friends got engaged. Six. And I got to hear about it every single time, lucky me.

Everyone is on their own journey and there is no right or wrong time line to do things. Valentines day can still be fun if you’re single, because celebrating all kinds of love is important. While my inner pessimist doesn’t hate this day so much as to say “it’s a Hallmark holiday,” I do think unrealistic expectations are set by the media. Having a candle-lit dinner at home can be just as lovely as going out to nice restaurant. Your Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be life-changing and picture-perfect; a good memory or two should suffice. An expensive gift doesn’t needed to be bought, you’re time can be the gift to one another. There’s nothing wrong with nice dinners and expensive gifts, butt hey aren’t necessary to make great memories or have a good time.

Wishing you a Happy Valentine’s Day,

Alyssa

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10 thoughts on “Oh Valentines…

  1. I actually wrote a post about being chronically ill on valentine’s…so a bit of a different spin. But I’ve never liked Valentine’s day until my boyfriend now helped me to like it. Our first valentine’s day last year was awesome..He took me to a 5 star hotel and it was quite special. While this year, my health didn’t really allow us to do much. On top of being chronically ill, I was also sick with bronchitis. So instead we planned a night in…he built an epic blanket fort and I bought us awesome onesies. And we ate pancakes and watched netflix. I preferred this years to last year…it was more special in a whole other way.

    Also, I committed myself to being alone for the rest of my life when I was 22. But I wasn’t bummed about being single. I loved being single. I was a spinster for life. I still dated but it was never anything serious. But I’m no longer a spinster obviously lol as noted above. I met my boyfriend when I was 29, roughly a month before my 30th birthday. So you just never know when/if you might meet someone who could be that game changer.

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      1. Yea. It turned out to be my all time favorite. Of course, there’s not a lot to compare it to lol. But my point is …holidays are what you make of them. They take on as much or as little meaning as we assign to them. Even when you are chronically ill…even if you never liked celebrating holidays…it’s still easy to feel left out because now you can’t be involved in the same way as before. Like my boyfriend can’t take me to a fancy restaurant to wine and dine me. Impossible. I couldn’t eat anything they serve. I can’t have flowers because of my migraines and so on. But because I allowed the holiday to take on a different meaning … a more relaxed meaning and it ended up being more special. Unfortunately, most people don’t want to let go of the cookie cutter meanings they have for their holidays or relationships.

        Being single forever even is the “worse thing ever”. But is it? Obviously, you don’t think so you’re young and that’s great that you are single and don’t see a need to be in a relationship. I was the exact opposite at your age. Oh geez here’s an old lady story coming at ya lol… I was a serial monogamist from ages 13-22. I literally went from one long term relationship to the next. Each one getting shorter. At 13 I had a 3 year relationship..then 2 years ..1 years and then downs to just months. When I got down to a 5-month relationship I realized what happened, looking back I saw the pattern. And decided to go forth and be single. And it was sheer unadulterated freedom. Nothing says freedom like being single. I do miss it often. I think staying single until you find the right person is the way to go. In my mind, as someone who was prepared and happy to be a spinster, it’s the right way to go.
        okay../grandma rant lol

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        1. Haha I like your “grandma rant!” I think we put way too much pressure on romantic relationships and they shouldn’t determine our quality of life. Being chronically ill it’s gonna take a very special person to want to enter a relationship with someone like me. Although since I’m still undiagnosed I’m not entirely sure what my future will look like, but at this point it seems like being chronically ill might be something I struggle with forever. That’s quite a heavy load for someone to take on, but I don’t think giving up on love is the right choice. If a relationship presents itself it will only be an added bonus to my life. I hope I can find someone like your boyfriend who will be patient and willing to look at things like holidays differently so we can make them our own. Who wants to be cookie cutter anyway? 🙂

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          1. Oh good…glad some of you youngins can appreciate my grandma rants lol. And yes we do put too much pressure on romantic relationships. Having a strong support system is so much more important. Being able to find the right person when you are chronically ill is really hard. But screw that…you don’t just need one person..you need a team. I am lucky enough to have a team of people who care for me and support me.
            And I wasn’t chronically ill the whole time I was a spinster…well technically I was but I didn’t think of myself that way. I was diagnosed at age 28 and spent a year focusing on myself and my health when I met Aaron, the boyfriend. Telling him about my health was one of the hardest thing I have ever done. https://alifelessinvisible.com/2017/01/05/how-i-told-my-boyfriend-about-my-ic/
            This is a blog post I wrote about how I told him about my bladder disease. I am very lucky to have found him to be sure. Especially as my illnesses have progressed he takes really good care of me. But if he treated me poorly or didn’t believe me about my pain then he wouldn’t be worth it. I’m in some online support groups for Interstitial Cystitis (IC). And sometimes the people in there just are so upset and hurt because their partners (usually men) are so nasty and insensitive about their illnesses. The partners don’t believe them and they tell them straight to their faces. One woman said she had to stop physical therapy because her husband accused her of going to “just get off” because physical therapy for IC/pelvic floor dysfunction..which I mentioned to you before I think…is internal so it involves someone touching your lady parts. Her husband was so ignorant that he was accusing her of doing it for a “good time,” when it is anything but that. That kind of stuff…is not okay. EVER. I goto to physical therapy every monday and Aaron knows it. I tell him about it and tell him how much it hurts. He might crack a joke about wanting to watch or something stupid lol but would never say something like you can’t go. Because that would be unacceptable. That’s abusive. So as people who have chronic illnesses we need to be really careful about who we allow into our lives…more so than the average person.

            It’s good and bad that you are learning that at a young age. It’s tough because it will be difficult to find people your age who want to deal with it… but when the right person comes along it will be special.
            Cookie cutter sucks.. unless you are actually making cookies of course! In which case…yes please!! 🙂

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          2. Yea… it is terrible. And that goes for any chronic illness. So I think it’s important for all of us to be aware of that. Plus they can turn on a dime at any point, although unlikely if your SO is supportive from day 1. But they can get tired of it…and rightly so. It is exhausting being involved with someone who has a chronic illness. Sometimes I feel terrible for Aaron (the boyfriend). And I know I’m not the only one…it’s a very common insecurity in the chronic illness community…when will my SO get tired of dealing with my illness and my pain?… that kind of thing. I know I’m tired of dealing with it…so why should they be too. But in a way it helps us weed out the good ones from the bad ones. And that doesn’t just apply to SO but any relationship in our lives. If a friend can’t understand why I might need to tentatively make plans because I’ve had a rough week and might need that time to rest then I don’t want that person in my life anyways. Personally, I’ve cultivated a very unique and specific support system for myself of people who either have chronic illnesses also or are very sensitive and understanding of them.

            Do I ramble too much? lol I get the grandma rant thing going and I just run with it. Sometimes it’s just nice to have someone to share my experiences with who hasn’t had them yet…and hopefully never will have to – in relation to the negative ones. But the positive ones I hope you get to have..like finding a SO who understands, cares for you and builds you a blanket fort when you can’t go out. But let me know if I’m talking to much 🙂

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          3. Haha you aren’t talking too much! Finding a good support system is hard. I have really good parents, but friends… not so much. They’ve all pretty much drifted away over the years and none of them were ever really willing to try and understand the situation. Teenagers can be shallow and I’m still trying to find people who can at least try to be understanding. Being out of school doesn’t help the situation. I can see how it easy it could be for someone with a chronic illness to end up with an abusive SO, especially if their dependent on them financially. It’s sad to know that there are people who hurt their partners especially those who may not be bale to protect themselves. Some people really are monsters.

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          4. Teenagers are the worst. It’s a hard time in general but throw the stress of a chronic illness on top and it’s just a lot. So I see the issue. You definitely need older friends. I’m glad your parents are supportive..that’s always helpful but not quite enough. If you want to talk I’m always around. I can send you my number … not in a public way lol We can text and/or facetime/skype or facebook if you prefer to start I’ll send you my info and you can contact me in the way you feel comfortable with. I’m down for it. I’m not some weird creeper…lol cause it might seem that way but I’m not. I just know what it’s like to need support and be struggling to find it.

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  2. Hey Alyssa,

    I just stumbled over your blog and love it! And it is funny, because I wrote a similar post on my blog about Valentine’s Day. Everyone should be allowed to celebrate this day as he or she likes – or to just ignore it. No reason to be sad, angry or depressed.
    Just like your sister, I’m 22, but I would feel much too young to already get married. I don’t criticise couples who do, but in my opinion it’s a risky choice when you’re still so young. And it feels odd if people at my age complain about “being forever alone” – I pretty much like being single as it gives you so much freedom.

    Btw my feminist blog is still quite new, but maybe you want to take a look? 🙂
    https://feministgossip.wordpress.com/

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