Chemistry and Crushes

I thought I would share something quiet personal today; something I have never told anyone else in full detail.

I had been questioning my sexuality a lot since spring semester of freshman year. On my first day of Sophomore year, in my first class, which happened to be chemistry, there was this girl. She went to my middle school, so I knew her name, and generally who she was friends with, but I had never talked to her. I’m going to name her Rose for the remainder of this blog post.

I sat down at my desk, and I had a clear view of her. She was beautiful. Her golden brown hair hit a couple of inches below her collar bone, and was oh so effortlessly thrown into a ponytail. I had never felt head over heels for someone like I way I felt for Rose. Seeing her talking and laughing with her best friend who happened to sit right beside her, was like watching my favorite movie. I didn’t know her, but I felt this connection to her, and this yearning to learn more about her.

It was pretty much from that first week of school on that I knew for sure I was gay. She was the reason I came out. In my ridiculous mind I wanted to tell my parents I was gay so I “wouldn’t have to lie if she asked me.” I had never talked to her, but here I was imagining this whole conversation of her asking me about  my sexuality.

One day a few weeks into school I saw her approaching my desk. She said she didn’t have time to finish her lab, and wondered if she could have my data. Rose could have anything she wanted as far as I was concerned. I let her copy my data down, and nervously apologized for my bad handwriting. When her and her friend said thank you, I squeaked out a “you’re welcome,” that sounded way too cheery.

I had previously heard Rose talking to her friend about hanging out with a girl, but she was disappointed that the girl had a girlfriend, so I knew she was gay. After our first interaction I never talked to her again, but kept seeing her in the halls, and we would lock eyes for a few seconds before both looking away. Six weeks into school she moved out of my pre-ap class and into a regular class. I was sad, but I knew she was “in my life” for a reason. I had the confidence to accept myself and come out all because I had major crush on this girl that didn’t even know I existed.

I’m grateful for her, even though she has no idea about any of this. I think it would be cool if I saw her one day and told her, but I’m not so sure I’d ever have the confidence to do that. I no longer have that huge crush on her, but I will forever carry the memories of my first “real crush.” Sure I had thought previously that I had crushes on boys, but looking back these “crushes” seem more like a desire for a friendship with them. I can also recognize now times when I crushed on girls when I was younger, but hadn’t realized exactly what I wanted out of the relationship. So as far as I am concerned, she was the first crush I had on a girl that I recognized right away, and knew what I wanted.

Sometimes you impact peoples lives, and you have no idea. I think that’s pretty cool. If you’re queer, telling me how you came to realize it, and if you you had an “aha” moment like I did.

Lots of Love,

Alyssa

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