Today I have to return to my high school.
If you haven’t read my blog post on dropping out ,then part of this might not make sense. I have to go to my old school to pick out the letter man jacket I got at the beginning of the school year, when my life wasn’t in shambles. I had really high test scores, so the school gave me a free jacket, but I had to pay for all the customization, because nothing really is free 🙂
I don’t really want the jacket anymore (not to sound like an ungrateful brat), but my parents paid for it so I’m going to get it and at least wear it a few times. The jacket is from a school I no longer go to, and has patches of activities I no longer participate in. I know walking in is going to be painful. It’s just another reminder what I haven’t accomplished, and what I have had to give up due to chronic illness. Nothing has come easy to me in these past five years, but this was something a “normal high schooler” would experience and I was excited; but now it feels like money down the drain, and a painful memory.
I know it probably doesn’t seem like a big deal. So what, you walk in the school for ten minutes, pick up your jacket, and go? It’s not really the jacket that’s the problem; it’s the symbolism it carries for me.
The only thing I really don’t want is to see someone I know. I went to a huge high school and since I wasn’t there much, I don’t know a ton of people. The time slot I have to pick the jacket up in is my old lunch time. If I see the people I used to be friends with, what do I say? None of them have reached out to me, but I haven’t reached out to them either. It’s not like I had any real close friends; that’s the first thing chronic illness takes from you.
If you’ve had to drop out of high school for any reason, let me know your story. It’s comforting to see others going through the same thing, even though I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy. However, I must carry on, because the world won’t end due to my crappy experience, and in the long run, I know the fact I didn’t get my dream high school experience won’t matter.
Lots of love,
Update: I went to pick the jacket up, and they didn’t have it. Apparently my homebound teacher turned it in late, so I have to go back after the holidays to pick it up. It was a half day because of finals, and at 12:30 everyone was getting out, so it look a long time to even get into the parking lot. I really don’t want to go back, but I will. Nothing’s ever easy, but it’s okay.